🌒 Feeling What I Didn’t Allow

🕊️ When Life Forces You Awake

Childish Gambino said something recently that won’t leave my mind:
“Everybody has two lives. The second one starts when you realize you only have one.”

Losing my dad last week made that quote painfully true.

We had just talked on Friday.
By Monday, November 17th, he was gone.
No warning. No time to prepare. No soft landing.

💔 The Ache That Opened Me

Nothing shakes your spirit like losing someone whose voice felt like home; even when the relationship was complicated, imperfect, and layered.

This past week has been a blur of grief.
Tears. Numbness. Exhaustion.
And underneath it all, something I didn’t expect:
this heavy, aching craving for intimacy.

Not just comfort, masculine comfort.
Arms. A chest. Someone saying, “I’m here, just breathe.”

🌑 The Walls I Built to Stay Safe

It confused me at first.
I never received that from my dad, so why did my heart suddenly want something I’ve never even truly felt?

But the more I sat with it, the more I realized:
grief didn’t just break my heart; it broke it wide open.
The walls I’ve had up for years, the ones I convinced myself were “protection” collapsed all at once.

🌬️ When Grief Removes the Armor

And in that raw opening, I could finally see the truth:

I’ve been controlling life to avoid pain.
I’ve been protecting myself so hard that I stopped feeling anything at all.

I told myself I’d only entertain a man if he seemed like husband material.
Not because it was empowering, but because it was safer.
Cleaner.
Less risky.

But grief taught me what I never wanted to learn:

Pain doesn’t wait for permission.
Life will hurt you even if you avoid everything you’re scared of.

If I can survive this pain —
the deepest, sharpest loss I’ve ever felt —
then why am I still scared of the small pains?
Why am I scared of vulnerability?
Of trying?
Of loving?
Of losing?

🌙 A Dream That Told the Truth

A few days ago, I had a dream.
A friendly face held me, kissed me, softened me…
and when fear whispered rejection, I simply walked away.
No spiraling.
No panic.
Just… acceptance.

My therapist told me that dream was proof:
I’m ready to feel again.
Ready to let someone in.
Ready to experience intimacy; not just imagine it.
Because even in my subconscious, I’m no longer collapsing at the idea of rejection.

🌅 Stepping Into My Second Life

My dad’s passing didn’t harden me.
it humbled me; it softened me in ways I didn’t know I needed.
It showed me the places where I’ve been hiding behind “strength” that was really fear.
It showed me where life wanted me to smooth the rigidity.

It’s strange…
I thought his passing would make me close off even more.
Instead, it made me willing to open.
To want to feel.
To live my second life differently.
Less afraid.
Less controlling.
More present.

I hate that this lesson came through loss,
but I’m grateful I’m alive to learn it.

If November 17th taught me anything, it’s this:
I don’t want to leave this world having only ever lived inside my fears.
I want to feel everything, the risks, the love, the loss,
because life doesn’t wait for courage.
And I guess I won’t either.

💌 A Gentle Reminder for Your Weekend

This weekend, remember fear may try to protect you, but it can also keep you from living. Let this be the weekend you loosen your grip on control. You’re allowed to feel without bracing, to open without assuming you’ll break, to let life touch you without running from it. You’ve already survived the pain you thought would end you, so let yourself taste the parts of life that don’t hurt. You don’t have to guard your heart from everything. Some things are meant to reach you.

🌷 Thank You for Reading

If you made it this far, thank you for holding this moment with me. Losing my dad taught me something I didn’t want to learn, that life really does begin again when you realize you only get one. I hope these words remind you that your “second life” doesn’t start with a grand decision, but with a quiet shift inside you…the moment you choose feeling over fear, presence over protection, living over bracing. Wherever you are in your becoming, give yourself grace.
You’re not behind. You’re just stepping into the life you were always meant to live; the one that begins when you finally let yourself feel.

✨ Affirmation Set:

• I am learning to live from my heart, not my fears.

• My openness is not a weakness; it is evidence that I survived what tried to shut me down.

• I can trust myself to handle whatever life brings, even the parts that ask me to stretch.

• I don’t have to control everything to feel safe. I can let life touch me.

• I welcome connection, intimacy, and experiences that awaken me instead of shrinking me.

• My second life begins every time I choose courage over avoidance.

• I choose to live fully; not carefully.

📝 Soft Return Reflection Prompts:

• Where do I confuse control with safety, and what would it look like to trust myself instead of managing every outcome?

• In what moments do I choose protection over presence, and how does that choice shape the life I’m living?

• What parts of me are ready to be softened, opened, or witnessed, even if I’m scared of what that could lead to?

• Where have I mistaken emotional avoidance for strength, and how is my definition of strength evolving in this season?

• What would it feel like to live as if I trusted myself to survive both joy and disappointment?

• How does fear shape the way I love, desire, attach, or receive, and what new patterns am I ready to try?

Until Next Time 🌺