⋆˙⟡˙⋆ ✧˚ັ 𓇼 ˚ ༘ ⋆An Ocean in a World of Puddles: Making Peace With My Depth

✦ 🌱 The Early Years of Wanting to Belong

All my life, I’ve felt different. I could never seem to keep friends or maintain relationships, even though I wanted them so badly. I could never quite fit in with the “cool kids.” In middle and high school, I was endlessly teased for being dark-skinned. It hurt, but I learned to mask it well.

I was a cheerleader and played softball all four years, captain of both teams at one point — always visible, always performing. Yet at lunch, instead of sitting with the cool crowd, I’d be in my favorite history teacher’s classroom eating with the few friends I had. I never truly felt accepted, even by the people I hung around. Because of my “status,” I tried to keep up; the shoes, the clothes, the image. But somehow, I was still invisible unless someone wanted to tease me.

✦ 🫂 Learning to Shrink Quietly

On the outside, I was unbothered. On the inside, I was desperate to be seen. I longed for the kind of easy attention others got just for existing.

When I got to college, I decided I didn’t want to be in the spotlight anymore. I tried out for cheer but didn’t make it, and surprisingly, I was okay with that. I liked being known but not seen. Still, when I’d go to homecoming with my best friend, she’d know everyone we passed while I’d stand to the side, waiting to spot even one familiar face. That contrast stayed with me and stings every time we go back. I’ve spent most of my life trying to find balance, wanting to be noticed, but in a way that feels healthy.

✦ 🔥 Chasing Attention in All the Wrong Ways

In dating, I was always the “strict” one, the one with boundaries, the one who wouldn’t come over late. And it always got me overlooked. So I had a short “I’ll do what I want” phase. It felt empowering at first, like reclaiming my body, my choices, but eventually I realized it was still just me chasing attention. The wrong kind. The kind that never stayed.

The truth is, the more I tried to be like everyone else, the more invisible I became. The only times I was truly seen were when I was being authentic, and that’s rare. But so am I.

✦ 🌸 The Mirror of Envy

Recently, I mentioned that I went to school with Olandria. Watching her success unfold has been beautiful… and honestly, a little painful. Seeing her on national TV, loved by millions, returning to campus to cheers and admiration, it brought up that old question: Should I be doing more to be seen too? Should I audition for Love Island or some reality show? Should I post thirst traps online to get attention?

Every time that thought creeps in, I recognize my 14-year-old self — the girl who just wanted to be noticed. But now I can tell her the truth: we were never meant for surface-level eyes. We were meant to be felt.

✦ 🌊 I Was Never Meant for Surface-Level Eyes

I’m deep. I’m reflective. Nothing about me is surface-level; everything about me is soul-grabbing. I’ve never been meant for quick fame. My purpose is quieter, slower, deeper. And sometimes that hurts. It feels like being the tortoise in the race, watching everyone else sprint ahead while I’m still finding my footing.

✦ 🌿 The Tortoise in the Race

But this slower path has forced me to build foundation, to plant roots within myself and my purpose. Knowing that doesn’t erase the sting of envy, but it does remind me that my story is still unfolding exactly as it should. My preparation just takes longer because my destination is greater.

And this isn’t to say Olandria’s journey is surface-level — not at all. It’s just close enough to mine to stir things in me that still need healing. One day, I know I’ll tell her how much she’s inspired me — not only through her success, but by revealing the gaps I needed to close within myself.

Writing this feels raw and uncomfortable. It makes me sad that so much of my life has felt like watching everyone else get what I wanted. But I have to remember, I’ve never gotten anything when I wanted it; only when I was ready for it.

Right now, I’m still in preparation mode, still grounding, still rooting. Getting ready for all the good things I know are coming.

I’m learning to be okay with the fact that I was always meant to be felt, not seen. To be remembered in silence, not celebrated in noise. To be ruminated on, not consumed.

Coming back to Instagram and receiving little to no attention helped me see that clearly.

This isn’t one of those posts where I neatly wrap things up with a “lesson.” I’m still in the middle of this one. But if you’re like me, someone who feels like an ocean in a world of puddles, I hope you know that depth isn’t a disadvantage. You’re not behind. You’re just building something that will last.

Slow and steady really does win the race.

💌 A Gentle Reminder for Your Weekend

This weekend, give yourself permission to move slowly.
You are not late, forgotten, or overlooked, you are becoming.

Not every season is meant for being seen.
Some seasons exist purely so you can grow roots strong enough to hold the life you’ve been praying for.

If envy visits you, don’t shame yourself.
Let it show you where you’re still healing, where you’re still longing, where you’re still stretching into the woman you’re becoming.

And remember:
Not everyone is meant to arrive loudly.
Some people, people like you, are meant to arrive deeply.
Quietly. Powerfully. Permanently.

You’re not behind.
You’re just preparing for a life that requires more foundation than flash.

Let this weekend be soft.
Let it be enough that you’re still here… still showing up… still choosing yourself in the quiet.

🌷 Thank You for Reading

If you made it this far, thank you for sitting with a part of me I’m still learning to hold.
I hope something in these words reminds you that depth isn’t a burden, it’s a calling.

You don’t have to shine loudly to matter.
Some of us were always meant to move hearts quietly, to grow on our own timeline, to be felt long before we’re ever seen.

Wherever you are in your process, I hope you give yourself grace.
You’re not behind.
You’re becoming at the pace life is asking you to; growing toward the desires that will meet you when you’re ready for them.
And that is more than enough.

✨ Affirmation Set:

• My worth is not tied to visibility. My value lives in my essence.

• I trust the pace of my unfolding, even when it feels slow or quiet.

• I do not need to be chosen loudly to be chosen deeply.

• Everything meant for me is being built in the unseen, and I am becoming the woman who can hold it.

• I am not behind; I am blooming on a timeline designed specifically for me.

• My depth is not a flaw; it is the very reason my impact will last.

• I release the need to chase attention. I attract what is aligned by being who I truly am.

📝 Soft Return Reflection Prompts:

• Where in my life do I still confuse being seen with being valued?
  What would it look like to separate the two?

• When I feel envy, what deeper longing is it pointing me toward?
  What truth about myself is trying to be acknowledged?

• In what moments do I feel most invisible, and who taught me to shrink there?
  How old is the version of me who still wants to be noticed?

• What parts of my identity were shaped by trying to be accepted?
  Who might I be if I stopped performing completely?

• Whose validation am I still subconsciously chasing?
  What would it mean to release that pursuit?

Until Next Time 🌺