I’ll Go Anyway 🪐

🧳 The First Goodbye

Growing up, my dad was always in and out.

I don’t remember screaming matches. I don’t remember chaos.

What I remember is waking up in the middle of the night and seeing his bags packed by the back door.

Again.

He would leave.
Then come back.
Then leave again.

Until one day he told me he was leaving for good.

I remember crying in his arms.
Then lying in the bed with my mom while he gathered the rest of his things.

And oddly enough… I felt relief.

At least this time I knew.

I didn’t have to wonder when he was coming back.

That was the pattern.

He’d say he’d show up.
He wouldn’t.
He’d promise something.
He couldn’t deliver.

So my nervous system learned early:

Men leave.
They overpromise.
They underdeliver.
The shoe always drops.

Got it.

💔 The Pattern Repeats

In high school and college, my relationships started sweet.

Then they turned physically abusive.

And somehow, I still tried to stay.

I kept waiting for them to go back to who they were in the beginning.
Hoping the pain would stop.
Hoping the “good version” would return.

It never did.

I always had to leave.

Even my first real relationship after college — it wasn’t violent, but it wasn’t honest either.

He wasn’t who he said he was.
His life didn’t match his words.

But I stayed.

Because at least I wasn’t getting hit.

That was my bar.

Five or six good months.
Then the other shoe dropped.

And eventually I just accepted:

The other shoe always drops.
It’s just a matter of when.

🌿 Something Different

Now?

I’m in something different.

He’s not “my man” yet.

But he’s consistent.
Intentional.
A man of his word.

He plans.
He shows up.
He gives.

And instead of relaxing into it, my nervous system keeps whispering:

Okay… but when is it going to change?

When will his tone shift?
When will he stop planning?
When will he pull back?
When will the mask fall?

So far?

It hasn’t.

And even if one day it does, I know I’ll see it.
I know I’ll leave.
I know I’ll survive.

But I realized something recently:

Why am I planning my survival for a breakup that hasn’t happened… instead of enjoying the relationship while it’s alive?

🎶 The Concert Theory

For so long, happiness felt conditional.

Friendships ended.
Jobs shifted.
Love turned painful.
Stability disappeared.

So my brain learned:
Don’t get too attached.
Don’t get too happy.
It won’t last.

But here’s what my therapist said that finally clicked:

Just because something ends doesn’t erase what you experienced while it existed.

And somehow… that didn’t fully land until I thought about concerts.

I love concerts.

Every time I buy a ticket, I know it will end.

I know I get maybe two hours.

And then the lights come on.
And everyone goes home.

So does that mean I shouldn’t go?

Of course not.

It means I sing every lyric.
I soak it in.
I let myself feel it.

And when it’s over, I carry the memory.

That changed something in me.

Maybe I don’t have to brace myself for loss.
Maybe I can enjoy what’s in front of me.
Maybe I can be safe while it’s alive —
and safe if it ever ends.

I’m in a new chapter of my life.

🪐 Living Through the Lesson

I’m in my Saturn return.
Saturn in Aries in the 7th house — relationships, boundaries, identity inside partnership.

And what I’m learning is this:

Abandonment doesn’t just look like someone leaving.

Sometimes it looks like me sabotaging something good before it can hurt me.

Sometimes it looks like refusing to enjoy the present because I’m scared of the future.

But this season is teaching me something deeper:

I am strong enough to live while it’s alive.
And I am strong enough to survive if it dies.

I don’t have to run from joy just because I’ve known pain.

I don’t have to dim happiness because it once felt temporary.

If you’re reading this and something feels “too good” — don’t run from it.

You’ve survived enough lows.

You’re strong enough to enjoy the highs.

And if one day it changes?

You’ll survive that too.

💌 A Gentle Reminder for Your Weekend

If something finally feels safe, don’t search for the danger.

You don’t have to predict loss to protect yourself.
You don’t have to shrink happiness to survive it.

Enjoy what’s here, and trust yourself to handle what isn’t.

🌷 Thank You for Reading

Thank you for choosing growth over fear, this season isn’t about chasing love. It’s about becoming safe enough to receive it. May you trust yourself enough to stay,
and trust yourself enough to survive the loss if you ever need to.

✨ Affirmation Set:

• It is safe for good things to last.

• Peace is not a warning sign — it is a gift.

• I can enjoy what is here without predicting its ending.

• My nervous system is learning that consistency is normal.

• I am strong enough to enjoy, and strong enough to survive.

📝 Soft Return Reflection Prompts:

• When something feels stable and safe, what part of me starts looking for danger? What does she believe she’s protecting me from?

• What did I learn about love growing up that I am still unconsciously reenacting?

• Do I confuse peace with boredom? Do I confuse intensity with love? Why?

• In what ways have I tried to control endings instead of allowing experiences to unfold naturally?

• If I truly believed I could survive loss, what would I allow myself to feel today?

Until Next Time💫