When Receiving Feels Like Resistance

🌫 When You Don’t Know What to Do

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
What do you say when you have nothing left to say?

I’m usually someone who can string words together, even when I don’t feel like I have anything to say. But these past few weeks, life has felt both fast and slow—like I’ve been moving in a weird kind of limbo.
Like I’m so close to that happy place, yet so far I don’t even know what steps to take.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a job interview I almost didn’t show up for.
I told myself I wouldn’t get it.
But I did.

It’s with a company I’ve wanted to work for. It’s hybrid. Less stress. A little more pay. I should be ecstatic.
And I was.
But lately, I’ve found myself in a strange place.

Sometimes, when you’re used to rejection—used to the door being closed in your face—it feels confusing when one opens.
And when you’re invited to sit at the table?

You almost don’t know how to eat.

That’s what I’ve been working through lately: the feeling that I have to perform or be in service in order to deserve good things.

It’s a pattern I’ve seen in relationships, but now I realize it’s everywhere.
And if I’m honest, it’s been hard to show up.

📖 No Pretty Words—Just Presence

So this week, I won’t offer sweet affirmations or poetic reflections.
All I can do is show up.
Raw. Vulnerable. Honest.

Lately, I’ve been time-traveling—revisiting memories of relationships that didn’t work out.
And I’ve noticed I do this as a way to confirm my feelings of unworthiness.

Proof, my brain says, that I don’t get good things unless I work for them. Unless I earn them.
Unless I bleed for them.

I don’t know how to fully break out of that yet.
But I know that I’m trying. And maybe that’s enough.

My birthday is coming up soon (yes, Cancer baby), and if I’m being real—this time of year always makes me feel a little sad.

Sad that I’m not where I want to be.
Sad that I’m still single.
Sad because, if I’m honest, I’ve never felt like anyone’s favorite person.

And my birthday always reminds me:
I’m my own favorite person.
Whether I like it or not.

🤍 Still Showing Up

I don’t have the right affirmation to talk myself out of this moment.
But I’m still here. Still writing. Still pushing through.

And if you’re reading this, I hope you can relate—or actually, I hope you don’t because this feeling is sucky as hell.
But I hope it gives you permission to show up too.

Even if it’s messy. Even if you feel low. Even if you don’t have all the right words.

Every time you push through, you’re getting closer to the version of you that’s been waiting on the other side.

Future Joy—I hope you know I’m doing my best to get to you.
By any means necessary.
I’m trying, girl.

Until next time.

💌 Thank You for Reading

If you made it here, thank you for holding space for this version of me.
Not every post will be polished. Some will just be presence. But if it reminded you to keep showing up for yourself messy or not then it did what it was meant to.